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Monday, April 23, 2007

maximising our
potential

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Two frogs fell into a deep pit, and though they tried very hard they could not hop out. Their comrades peered down from the top and croaked in sympathy.
“We feel for you,” they shouted, “ but there’s no way you can get out from there!”
On hearing this, one of the frogs lost heart, and died of fear. The other frog was deaf. He thought his comrades were shouting encouragement. Emboldened by their faith in him, he gathered up all his reserves of energy in one great jump that landed him out of the pit.

Reflection : In whatever problems we face, we should set high goals and work hard to strive for them. Also, we should motivate ourselves and use the maximum of our abilities.

7:12 AM

Monday, April 16, 2007

GOD
fearing

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My grandmother was very religious. My mother believed in God but not in the way my grandmother did. I was raised to believe in God but not in a particular religion. My mother felt that when we got old enough we should feel free to choose our own religion. When I was a teenager I decided I wanted to go to church. I tried several churches. What I discovered was that I believed in God but I did not believe in the church. God was willing to forgive me for my sins but the church was not. God could accept me for who I am, but the church could not. The church wanted to tell me how to live, how to dress, and what parts of my life that were acceptable. Why? How can God forgive me when the teachers of God could not?

Then I had the problem with my perception of God. To me a place of God is very holy. I found nothing holy in the churches I visited. I found hypocrisy, judgment, and prejudice. These are the people living by God's way? I was told "is not a church a place for the troubled to go?" Yes, but these are the people of the church, the ones stating they lived their life for God, in God's way. They did not think that they were doing anything wrong. They were there to help 'me' find 'my' way.

I read a book recently. The author made a personal comment that he only felt his religious beliefs inside closed walls. He did not feel religion when confronted with nature. I am the opposite. I only feel close to God in God's creation...nature. The earth, the wind, the rain, the sun, the moon and the sound of water breaking against the shore. This is part of God to me. Inside, closed in walls, is man's world. The walls in the beginning were to protect man from the elements of nature. The walls then turned to places of hiding, running from life. If you lock yourself in you do not have to worry about what is going on in the world. You never have to face what is "out there". You never have to even know what is going on out there.

It is rather interesting if you think about it.

The Indians lived in teepees. There were not solid walls to keep life out. The Indians believed in the Mother earth and the Father sun. They hunted for food and used every bit of what they killed. They left nothing to waste. They asked the Great Spirits for guidance. Maybe they never said the word God, but they lived more in harmony with God then the teachers of the White man's God. They respected God's gifts of life.

The Orientals built houses but their houses were in harmony with nature. They also respected God's gifts without knowing God. Buddhism is very popular. What is Buddhism? I am not an authority of any religious belief so please remember that as I continue. My perception of Buddhism, in simplistic form, is the study of becoming one with all life and respect all living things. To live life in a way that you are 'living' life in this moment. Making the most of what is.

The White man's belief in God has many assorted variances. They are Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Christian and many others. They each in their own way say that their religion is the religion of God. They even go as far as to say that if you do not believe in "Their" religion you will not go to heaven.

You now have the 'New age' beliefs. There is channeling, (talking to Great Spirits), past life experiences, (reincarnation). crystals, (life flows through, around, exists within all objects.) This is only the surface of what is called "New Age". If you stand back and look at it, it seems to be a combination of the White man's God, the Indian's beliefs and Buddhism.

Christianity is the only one that any man has tried to force on anyone. As the White man traveled the world he tried to force his religious beliefs on every non believer of God he encountered. He had to civilize the savage or his concept of savage. Yet, it is the White man's God that gets criticized the most. The Christians themselves lose faith because God let them down.

Where was God when I needed him? How could God allow all this to happen? The excuses are....

I was not good enough for God.

He was possessed with Evil.

God is punishing you for something you did.

You never believed in God.

The list can go on and on.

Some say God gave up on us. Some feel he never existed. Some say God will destroy us. I feel God gets blamed for what man does. A child gets killed, we ask, "Where was God?". An earthquake splits open the land killing many, we ask, "Where was God?". Anytime something terrible happens in some way God gets blamed for it. He gets blamed for causing it or for not stopping it. God was said to have created man. God created the planet and all its life. It is never stated that God "controls' any of what he created. He gave everything he created the ability to recreate and to evolve to meet what is needed to sustain life. The ability to adapt and adjust. This is the true essence of any life. If these abilities were not the greatest gifts a God could give then I do not know what would be. If God had given us perfection in everything then we would not be alive. If just one thing in the Universe effected the planet, and there was not the ability to adapt all life would die.

I do not care what anyone believes, in my mind, there is a power greater then man. Call it God, call it Buddha, call it the Universe, or call it science, the inevitable revolution of molecules coming together to evolve into life. We did not just suddenly exist out of nothing like a TV suddenly turned on. We came from somewhere. It doesn't matter where we came from what matters is that we are here. No matter what the greater power is, which for a better understanding, I'll call God. God cannot be blamed for man.

The earth was formed. Nature was formed to give the planet life. In the purest existence, nature follows a course of life and death. Nature changes to cleanse and renew its bounty of life. If you doubt this look at how trees grow out of rocks where man has carved roads into mountains.

Now let's think about this. If man comes along and alters nature without giving nature the chance to heal what do you think happens? We lose trees, we alter the flow of rivers, we dig worthless craters in the ground. We pollute the air, contaminate the water and weaken the planet. I believe God allowed for this. What happens when man destroys faster then nature can heal? You change the basis of nature so fast that you weaken the whole recovery system. You have earth quakes, volcanoes erupt, climates change and part of nature dies. It is not mystical or magical, it is pure and simple logic. Ask a builder what happens when you weaken a foundation of a building, in time, if not corrected the building collapse. What makes you think nature or man is any different?

God gave us life. He allowed us to do with it as we wanted. He is like a father as we have been told, but a father that stands beside us and helps us when we ask. He can not prevent life from happening but he can help us make it through it.

Do you really want God to intervene? Do you want him to come down and make it right? I think he has been rather forgiving. If I had created the earth with all it's beauty I would have killed the first man that started to destroy it when I realized he did not care if it got rebuilt or not. Are you going to stand there and watch someone destroy your child, your home or creation as great as a planet right in front of you and not react? Personally, I would shoot the son-of a bitch! To be that loving and forgiving is far beyond this individual and most others that I know.

I think it is about time man quit blaming God for what he has done to himself. Man needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions. He may need to ask 'the power great then man' what ever he believes it to be, how to heal man's damage. The damage he has done to himself and this planet, to start renewing life instead of destroying life.

8:30 PM

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Myspace Glitter Graphics, MySpace Graphics, Glitter Graphics

Throughout my childhood, I never paid attention to my weight. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted and never counted calories or paid attention to nutrition content of the food I ate. I always considered myself bigger than average and accepted that fact. Throughout high school, I was modestly active in sports for larger people (e.g. I played football as a lineman and threw shot put and discus for track). I had always accepted the fact that I was a big man and that was who I was and born to be. I grew up in North Central Illinois and my parents divorced when I was three years old. After the divorce, my father remarried and we never kept in contact from that point on. My older brother Arthur and I grew up under the care of my Mother and my Aunt Pat (they were identical twins). I consider my family very strong in moral and social values. My Mother and my Aunt were always there when I needed them to be. They always cared for my brother and I and were extremely proud of us. They didn’t have outrageously high expectations of us; all they cared about is the fact that we were happy and they tried to do everything they could for us to make us happy. They were in every respect ideal parents. With all the support that my Mother and Aunt provided, they were not the best at making healthy decisions. My Mother was extremely overweight during the latter part of her life and my Aunt smoked from the time she was in college on.

While I was in college I worked very hard to gain the best education possible. I attended the University of Wisconsin – Madison from August 1997 to December 2001. I knew my Mom couldn’t afford to help me with the expense of an out of state university. So I applied for any scholarship I could find and received a generous amount from various civic organizations and foundations. I calculated that I could afford to attend UW with the scholarship money that I received combined with working during the summer and part time work study during the semester. I figured that as long as I was going to college at the expense of organizations that supported my education, I should strive to achieve the best education possible. This would make them think they were investing their money in someone worthwhile and with high aspirations. I decided to triple major in chemical engineering, molecular biology, and biochemistry. College was incredibly stressful for me with managing three majors and working a 20 hour a week work study job. With this, I still managed to maintain a limited social life. My friends and I went to parties on the weekends, the people I studied and I with went out to celebrate after exams, and I had season football tickets to Camp Randall all five years I lived in Madison. In terms of managing stress, I resorted to overeating. Carrying three majors and a work study job was very draining. I was constantly worrying if I had enough time to study for an exam, if my homework was the best it could be, and if my research was thorough and if the professor I was working for would approve of my progress or not. I resorted to handle my stress through excessive eating. Before an exam I would get very agitated and could only calm myself by eating Doritos, potato chips, or other unhealthy snacks. Sometimes I would eat multiple meals at once to try to reduce stress. I would frequently pull all-nighters to finish projects and homework assignments and eat through the night to calm my stress level and reduce agitation. I would never make time to exercise or any health improving activity. I ended up graduating UW-Madison in December 2001 with my weight at ~300 lbs.

In spring of 2001, my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My family and I were devastated. Previously when I was in high school, my Mother went through four brain surgeries to treat an arteriovenious malformation in her brain. We all thought that we couldn’t go through something like that again and that this poor woman doesn’t need to deal with sickness any longer. The UW hospital had an outstanding oncology department and I thought she could receive the best treatment possible there. I suggested to her to travel up to Madison where she could receive her treatment and stay at my apartment if she needed to. She had four cycles of chemotherapy, a lumpectomy, and radiation for her treatment. After six months, the treatment was completed and she was released from the doctor. Needless to say, we were all relieved.
In September 2002, I started graduate school at the University of Illinois at Chicago for a PhD in Bioengineering. When I started graduate school I was my heaviest at 321 lbs and being 5’9” tall. I was a size 48 waist, 58 jacket, size 3XL T-shirt, and my body mass index was 47.4 kg/m2. When I went to bed at night I could feel my heart beat under stress. The only exercise I ever considered was walking to and from class. I was never conscious of my weight, what I ate, or the way people looked at me. I wouldn’t even try to talk to girls. My self confidence was incredibly low and I knew any girl in her right mind wouldn't talk to me. I would always try to avoid getting my picture taken to save the embarrassment. I avoided having a mirror in my bedroom because I hated looking at myself. I was disgusted with my appearance and one day I decided to do something about it. In September 2002, I made a decision to go to Target and buy a mirror hang it up on my bedroom wall about torso level and buy a bathroom scale. I knew that I had to do something to loose weight. This way I could look at myself in the mirror and see how heavy I was every morning. That would provide me motivation to loose weight rather than just ignoring the fact.

During the time when I started grad school, my Mother complained of shortness of breath, dizziness, and headaches. She went to the doctor and they had determined that the breast cancer she was previously treated for had metastasized to her brain and lungs. The immediately put her on chemotherapy to slow the growth of malignant cells. The oncologist told my Mother that the cancer was terminal and they had to control it and just hope for the best. I didn’t know what to say, it seemed like my Mother’s life was almost over and I couldn’t do anything to help her. I had thought of dropping out of grad school to be with her but I thought that any Mother would like to see their son or daughter succeed especially at the time they pass away. Dropping out of school I knew wouldn’t make her proud. Her health finally deteriorated to the point she was in a hospital bed. Hospice came in and took care of her in our house. On December 22, 2002, she passed away at 53 years old.
It was at that point that I started reading extensively on the internet and health magazines. The probability of cancer in overweight people is extremely high. At my Mother’s death, the autopsy report showed she was 5’5” and weighed 350 lbs. As great of a woman as she was and all that morals and values she taught me I knew at this point that I couldn’t make the same health decisions that she did. I realized that I had to start loosing weight and get in shape. I looked into seeking the help of a nutritionist however my insurance didn’t cover it. I decided to go ahead and try to loose the weight on my own. I was a stubborn man and knew I could loose the weight myself.
After my Mother passed away, my Aunt decided to sell her house and move into my Mothers. She thought it would be best for my brother and me to keep our Mother’s house so we would always have a place to come home to. My Aunt was always making decisions that were centered on others rather than for herself. I thought she should keep her house and we would sell Mom's house. Of course, as stubborn as she was, she ended up doing the opposite. Though I didn’t approve at first, I knew she would be happy knowing that she was trying to help us. On December 2, 2003, I received a phone call from my brother at about 9:00 PM. He told me that he had just gotten home from work and my Aunt had passed away in her bed. My heart sank to the floor and I didn’t know what to do. It had not even been a year since my Mother passed away. I was just home the weekend before for Thanksgiving and she was fine. She did have a harsh cough but I thought it was normal since she smoked. Even after her first heart attack she continued to smoke. Her cause of death was acute pneumonia. Earlier on the day she died she was at the doctor and she had an exam. I still can’t understand how this happened and how the doctor missed pneumonia if he listened to her chest. I again did some research on the internet and found that pneumonia is more prevalent in people who smoke. That definitely gave me more motivation to never pick up a cigarette ever. At this point, my brother and I decided to sell my Mom’s house and move on with our lives. I always looked up to my Mom and Aunt as gracious, selfless, and generous people. As wonderful people that my Mom and Aunt Pat were, I knew I couldn’t follow in their footsteps when it came to health.

3:46 AM

On the shores of a wide bay on the Atlantic coast of what is now called Canada there dwelt in old times a great Native American warrior, known for his wondrous deeds. He had a very wonderful and strange power -- he could make himself invisible. In this way he could mingle unseen with his enemies and listen to their plots. He was known among the people as Strong Wind, the Invisible.

Strong Wind dwelt with his sister in a tent near the sea, and his sister helped him greatly in his work. Many maidens would have been glad to marry him, and he was much sought after because of his mighty deeds. It was known that Strong Wind would marry the first maiden who could see him as he came home at night. Many made the trial, but it was a long time before one succeeded.

Strong Wind used a clever trick to test the truthfulness of all who sought to win him. Each evening as the sun went down, his sister walked on the beach with any girl who wished to make the trial. His sister could always see Strong Wind, but no one else could because he made himself invisible to all but her. And as he came home from work, his sister would see him drawing near, and she would ask the girl who sought him, "Do you see him? Do you see my brother?" And each girl could not see him but wanted to win the hand of Strong Wind, and so would falsely answer, "Yes." His sister would then ask, "With what does he draw his sled?" And each girl would answer, "With the hide of a moose," or "With a pole," or "With a great cord." And then his sister would know that they all had lied, and their answers were mere guesses. Many tried and lied and failed, for Strong Wind would not marry any one who was untruthful.

There lived in the village a great chief who had three daughters. Their mother had long been dead. One of these was much younger than the others. She was very beautiful and gentle and well beloved by all, and for that reason her older sisters were very jealous of her charms and treated her cruelly. They clothed her in rags so she would look ugly, and they cut off her long black hair, and they burned her face with coals from the fire so that her skin would become scarred and disfigured. And they lied to their father, the chief, telling him that she had done these things to herself. But the young girl was patient and kept her gentle heart and went about her work.

Like other girls, the chief's two eldest daughters wanted to marry Strong Wind. One evening, as the sun went down, the oldest daughter walked on the shore with Strong Wind's sister and waited for his coming. Soon he came home from his day's work, drawing his sled. His sister asked as usual, "Do you see him? Do you see my brother?" And the oldest daughter, lying, answered, "Yes." And she asked, "Of what is his shoulder strap made?" The girl, guessing, said, "Of rawhide." And Strong Wind knew that the oldest daughter had lied, and he kept himself from her sight, and she went home dismayed.

The second daughter, too, tried to win Strong Wind. She walked along the shore with Strong Wind's sister, and when the sister asked her if she saw Strong Wind she, too, lied, saying, "Yes". When she was asked of what his shoulder strap was made, she guessed, "Of woven grasses." And so she was also denied by Strong Wind.

One day the chief's youngest daughter with her rags and her burnt face resolved to seek Strong Wind. She patched her clothes with bits of birch bark from the trees as best she could, and put on the few little ornaments she possessed, and went forth to try to see the Invisible One as all the other girls of the village had done before. Her sisters laughed at her and called her a fool. As she passed along the road, all the people laughed because of her tattered frock and her burnt face, but silently she went her way.

Strong Wind's sister received the girl kindly, and at twilight she took her to the beach. Soon Strong Wind came home drawing his sled, though none could see him but his sister. And his sister asked, "Do you see him?" The girl could not, and she answered, "No." His sister wondered greatly because she was the first one who had spoken the truth. She asked, "Do you see him now?" And the girl answered, "Yes, and he is very wonderful." Then the sister asked, "With what does he draw his sled?" The girl answered, "With the Rainbow," and she was much afraid. And the sister asked further, "Of what is how bowstring?" And the girl answered, "His bowstring is the Milky Way."

Then Strong Wind's sister knew that because the girl had spoken the truth, her brother had made himself visible to her. She said, "Truly, you have seen him."
And she took the girl home and bathed her, and all the scars disappeared from her face and body; and her hair grew long and black again like the raven's wing; and she gave her fine clothes to wear and many rich ornaments. Then she bade her to take the wife's seat in the tent. Soon Strong Wind entered and sat beside her, and called her his bride.

The very next day she became his wife. Ever afterwards she helped him to do great deeds. The girl's two elder sisters were very cross and they wondered greatly at what had taken place. But Strong Wind, who knew of their cruelty, resolved to punish them. Using his great power, he changed them both into aspen trees and rooted them into the earth. Since that day the leaves of the aspen have always trembled, and they shiver in fear at the approach of Strong Wind, it matters not how softly he comes, for they are still mindful of his great power and anger because of their lies and their cruelty to their sister long ago.

3:33 AM

Justice, justice, justice!

Justice is the very warmth of an inn

,When interred from the bitter slippery, frosty storm.

Justice is the norm.

It's illusive to the door,

like a very fastened door,

Cannot be entrusted to flurry mind.

Justice must be mandated.

With justice the waves are calm,

There is never a harm.

No one needs justice until

They themselves are imprisoned.

Justice is not heresy,

It's the healing of the soul.

Archie Greenidge

3:17 AM

When George Washington was about six years old, he was made the wealthy master of a hatchet of which, like most little boys, he was extremely fond. He went about chopping everything that came his way.

One day, as he wandered about the garden amusing himself by hacking his mother's pea- sticks, he found a beautiful, young English cherry tree, of which his father was most proud. He tried the edge of his hatchet on the trunk of the tree and barked it so that it died.

Some time after this, his father discovered what had happened to his favorite tree. He came into the house in great anger, and demanded to know who the mischievous person was who had cut away the bark. Nobody could tell him anything about it.

Just then George, with his little hatchet, came into the room.

"George," said his father, "do you know who has killed my beautiful little cherry tree yonder in the garden? I would not have taken five guineas for it!"

This was a hard question to answer, and for a moment George was staggered by it, but quickly recovering himself he cried: --

"I cannot tell a lie, father, you know I cannot tell a lie! I did cut it with my little hatchet."

The anger died out of his father's face, and taking the boy tenderly in his arms, he said: --

"My son, that you should not be afraid to tell the truth is more to me than a thousand trees! yes, though they were blossomed with silver and had leaves of the purest gold!"

1:55 AM