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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

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Throughout my childhood, I never paid attention to my weight. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted and never counted calories or paid attention to nutrition content of the food I ate. I always considered myself bigger than average and accepted that fact. Throughout high school, I was modestly active in sports for larger people (e.g. I played football as a lineman and threw shot put and discus for track). I had always accepted the fact that I was a big man and that was who I was and born to be. I grew up in North Central Illinois and my parents divorced when I was three years old. After the divorce, my father remarried and we never kept in contact from that point on. My older brother Arthur and I grew up under the care of my Mother and my Aunt Pat (they were identical twins). I consider my family very strong in moral and social values. My Mother and my Aunt were always there when I needed them to be. They always cared for my brother and I and were extremely proud of us. They didn’t have outrageously high expectations of us; all they cared about is the fact that we were happy and they tried to do everything they could for us to make us happy. They were in every respect ideal parents. With all the support that my Mother and Aunt provided, they were not the best at making healthy decisions. My Mother was extremely overweight during the latter part of her life and my Aunt smoked from the time she was in college on.

While I was in college I worked very hard to gain the best education possible. I attended the University of Wisconsin – Madison from August 1997 to December 2001. I knew my Mom couldn’t afford to help me with the expense of an out of state university. So I applied for any scholarship I could find and received a generous amount from various civic organizations and foundations. I calculated that I could afford to attend UW with the scholarship money that I received combined with working during the summer and part time work study during the semester. I figured that as long as I was going to college at the expense of organizations that supported my education, I should strive to achieve the best education possible. This would make them think they were investing their money in someone worthwhile and with high aspirations. I decided to triple major in chemical engineering, molecular biology, and biochemistry. College was incredibly stressful for me with managing three majors and working a 20 hour a week work study job. With this, I still managed to maintain a limited social life. My friends and I went to parties on the weekends, the people I studied and I with went out to celebrate after exams, and I had season football tickets to Camp Randall all five years I lived in Madison. In terms of managing stress, I resorted to overeating. Carrying three majors and a work study job was very draining. I was constantly worrying if I had enough time to study for an exam, if my homework was the best it could be, and if my research was thorough and if the professor I was working for would approve of my progress or not. I resorted to handle my stress through excessive eating. Before an exam I would get very agitated and could only calm myself by eating Doritos, potato chips, or other unhealthy snacks. Sometimes I would eat multiple meals at once to try to reduce stress. I would frequently pull all-nighters to finish projects and homework assignments and eat through the night to calm my stress level and reduce agitation. I would never make time to exercise or any health improving activity. I ended up graduating UW-Madison in December 2001 with my weight at ~300 lbs.

In spring of 2001, my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My family and I were devastated. Previously when I was in high school, my Mother went through four brain surgeries to treat an arteriovenious malformation in her brain. We all thought that we couldn’t go through something like that again and that this poor woman doesn’t need to deal with sickness any longer. The UW hospital had an outstanding oncology department and I thought she could receive the best treatment possible there. I suggested to her to travel up to Madison where she could receive her treatment and stay at my apartment if she needed to. She had four cycles of chemotherapy, a lumpectomy, and radiation for her treatment. After six months, the treatment was completed and she was released from the doctor. Needless to say, we were all relieved.
In September 2002, I started graduate school at the University of Illinois at Chicago for a PhD in Bioengineering. When I started graduate school I was my heaviest at 321 lbs and being 5’9” tall. I was a size 48 waist, 58 jacket, size 3XL T-shirt, and my body mass index was 47.4 kg/m2. When I went to bed at night I could feel my heart beat under stress. The only exercise I ever considered was walking to and from class. I was never conscious of my weight, what I ate, or the way people looked at me. I wouldn’t even try to talk to girls. My self confidence was incredibly low and I knew any girl in her right mind wouldn't talk to me. I would always try to avoid getting my picture taken to save the embarrassment. I avoided having a mirror in my bedroom because I hated looking at myself. I was disgusted with my appearance and one day I decided to do something about it. In September 2002, I made a decision to go to Target and buy a mirror hang it up on my bedroom wall about torso level and buy a bathroom scale. I knew that I had to do something to loose weight. This way I could look at myself in the mirror and see how heavy I was every morning. That would provide me motivation to loose weight rather than just ignoring the fact.

During the time when I started grad school, my Mother complained of shortness of breath, dizziness, and headaches. She went to the doctor and they had determined that the breast cancer she was previously treated for had metastasized to her brain and lungs. The immediately put her on chemotherapy to slow the growth of malignant cells. The oncologist told my Mother that the cancer was terminal and they had to control it and just hope for the best. I didn’t know what to say, it seemed like my Mother’s life was almost over and I couldn’t do anything to help her. I had thought of dropping out of grad school to be with her but I thought that any Mother would like to see their son or daughter succeed especially at the time they pass away. Dropping out of school I knew wouldn’t make her proud. Her health finally deteriorated to the point she was in a hospital bed. Hospice came in and took care of her in our house. On December 22, 2002, she passed away at 53 years old.
It was at that point that I started reading extensively on the internet and health magazines. The probability of cancer in overweight people is extremely high. At my Mother’s death, the autopsy report showed she was 5’5” and weighed 350 lbs. As great of a woman as she was and all that morals and values she taught me I knew at this point that I couldn’t make the same health decisions that she did. I realized that I had to start loosing weight and get in shape. I looked into seeking the help of a nutritionist however my insurance didn’t cover it. I decided to go ahead and try to loose the weight on my own. I was a stubborn man and knew I could loose the weight myself.
After my Mother passed away, my Aunt decided to sell her house and move into my Mothers. She thought it would be best for my brother and me to keep our Mother’s house so we would always have a place to come home to. My Aunt was always making decisions that were centered on others rather than for herself. I thought she should keep her house and we would sell Mom's house. Of course, as stubborn as she was, she ended up doing the opposite. Though I didn’t approve at first, I knew she would be happy knowing that she was trying to help us. On December 2, 2003, I received a phone call from my brother at about 9:00 PM. He told me that he had just gotten home from work and my Aunt had passed away in her bed. My heart sank to the floor and I didn’t know what to do. It had not even been a year since my Mother passed away. I was just home the weekend before for Thanksgiving and she was fine. She did have a harsh cough but I thought it was normal since she smoked. Even after her first heart attack she continued to smoke. Her cause of death was acute pneumonia. Earlier on the day she died she was at the doctor and she had an exam. I still can’t understand how this happened and how the doctor missed pneumonia if he listened to her chest. I again did some research on the internet and found that pneumonia is more prevalent in people who smoke. That definitely gave me more motivation to never pick up a cigarette ever. At this point, my brother and I decided to sell my Mom’s house and move on with our lives. I always looked up to my Mom and Aunt as gracious, selfless, and generous people. As wonderful people that my Mom and Aunt Pat were, I knew I couldn’t follow in their footsteps when it came to health.

3:46 AM